nichplaysjazz

There are people whom i know i am off their leagues upon 1st impression and  it is inferiority and self loathe taking over especially when you have fallen head over heels of someone of the former.

This is a strange and bizarre feeling i'm having. I have the urge to protect someone, be there for someone and not necessarily get together with her. I'm very much contented take up the role as a friend and just be able to help her and make her happy in everyway. I'm prudent and careful not to make any wrong move to jeopardize this delicate friendship and connection with her. I dont mind seeing her getting married with another man, as long as she doesnt shed a tear.

I come to understand love in a different perspective. Love is noble because one can be selflessly considerate and tolerant to another and hopefully, it is pure and mutual and unrequited love maybe the most tragic and poetic form of love. It is beautiful, painful and profound.

This is one of the nights, where i can feel my heart sink deeper and deeper, it is one of the nights that i'm depress.
Pardon me, while my subconscious takes control.

And i'm writing all these because no one reads it.

Never put up a soft and kind front because people are always trying to push their luck and take advantage of you, the last thing you will know acting like an asshole has become a reliable defense mechanism everyone should develop.

I'd always been a firm believer of karma and an absolute believer of bad karma coming back to you but today, as miraculous as it sounds, i've enlightened. I've risened. I realised that it is good to act like an asshole (keyword : act) and think carefully, the biggest fuckers you have know are probably the ones who have rose on top of the cooperate level the fast, who have survived every social obselation among various social circles and do what he does best and know of the best - fucking

I'm not turning into a morally bad person that's for sure. I see as adopting a defense mechanism for myself. Prior to my depression, i was a rather selfless person who goes all the way to help my friends and as the good ole saying goes. "nice guys finished last" , I didnt become a happy person and here comes the next big, sweeping and poetic statement.

A Fucker is a happy person. yes live by this 6 english words and you are on an expressway to a happy life. Trust me you wont spend your life alone because the world is filled with fuckers and you will definitely find another fucker who is willing to be your fuckee in his/her freetime.

My twisted and new found life philosophy. I believe in karma and karma is a bitch.

Do you know that only approximately 1% of the books in the world have been digitalised? 1 freaking %
I have this crazy thinking, if this world is seriously going to end on 2012 by a major catastrophe will the people who fortunately survived the disaster bother to reestablished books and printing? This was what the makers of Book Of Eli want us to think about after the movie. 

Even since the mid 16th century, modernism takes place at accelerated rate, Gutenberg discovered printing press on the 17th century, we have telegraphy in the 19th Century and by the mid 20th century, we have invented radio and television. Finally, at the end of 20th century towards the dawn of 21st century, we have computers and therefore we emerge into the age of digital information hence modernism is accelerating very quickly. As computer and access to digital information becomes a commodity in the 21st century, people tend to overlook and appreciate books and printed material - the basis of information storage and extraction across time and space. Well, just look at the amount of people on the train meddling with their iphones and compare to the amount of people who are reading..

Book Of Eli is a hypothetical film modelled to be a Hollywood Featured Film. The film makers want us to think about a world without books . Without books, we are inmoral and barbaric therefore rob and kill and even eat our species in desperation to survive. It suggests that the knowledge in books we have constantly extracted from is the basis of the economy (in the movie, we are backing to barter trading), morals and religion and we have all taken it for granted as suggested by Eli in the movie. 
Our hearts are weak and our minds are weaker without knowledge thats why we become very easily manipulated by others especially. 

And yah, it isnt a very good movie, in fact it was poorly executed. It was an ambitious movie but failed to deliver, still it was quite thought invoking for me. 
  

Yes, you are living in your own world of comfort and you refuse to stand out of it
Yes, You are self pity.
Yes, You are envious of everything that you don't have.
Yes, You are greedy for everything that you don't have
Yes, You are hoping and not work hard for things to happen.
and Yes, You are a beauty and a good actor

and i'm fearful of you, because when i look at you, i'm embracing my past.

Upon listening to Brilliant trees, it never fails to calm me down, and disperse uncertainties shrouding over my train of thoughts. Uncertainties of leaving your native country and going to a foreign land to accumulate knowledge and open up my mind and hopefully, for better prospects.


Memories are beatiful to reminscence , they can be painful to recall in either way, they lingers in the corner of your head, It is omnious, they can appear as montage of broken images, a decadence of faded voices and sounds, it can also be as poignant as a  farmiliar scent. Whatever it is, let it stand in that corner of your head. Look forward and never live in your past.

Nostalgia can be bittersweet but potent too.



 

The Apocalypse?
The wrath of mother nature?
Nuclear warfare?

We always relate the end of the world to a form of mass destruction or a certain ordeal which no man nor living material could withstand, in simple terms it is an event of "disintegration" , well, a refined disintegration. Nothingness

As opposed to Buddhism, the end is a state of enlightenment.  We dont experience greed, lust , sloth or any of the 7 sins neither do we seek love, vengence, hate. because all this in a way leads to human suffering. Rebirth? If we dont have temptations nor do we feel happy, sad or hate, The scariest thought is that we dont feel love.

To me, i'm honestly freaked out, even though the description is vague. I cant even pictured at the point of nirvana, what do we turn into? "Subject" seems rather general eh?

We succumbed to sins because we are humans and we have flaws, and it is these flaws that makes up character and identity. The need to have compassion for all and peace for the world will always be the aim in my life. Because the end is an enlightenment, the true and uncompromising englightenment. 

Of course that's what i feel lah. at the meantime. love life.